Colleen Smith, NCC

My rainbow after the storm ❤️🌈 my sixth baby was a rainbow after a loss and I never imagined them how much more joy she would bring into our lives. Her birth and trauma from that hospital stay etched in me a change. But traumas can change us, they can cause us to do one of 2 things, to mend and heal or to retreat and bury the wound.

In the past I have been really good at running, not physically running but running away mentally from my pain. I spent years trying to escape old hurts and wounds that had cut me deeply. Slowly things in my life improved, my mental and physical health and then finally my spiritual health. I thought I was good. I thought I was moved on and could run away from my past trauma and hurt and be free with Jesus at the wheel.

But that is not the case always. I was listening to a podcast last year and the speaker shared a quote from Amanda Palmer their friend: “If you don’t deal with your demons they go into the cellar of your soul and lift weights.” It struck me as so true and so much of what I experienced after becoming a follow of Christ, I thought my past would stay in the past but it never does. When we experience trauma in childhood or as adults we can do one of 2 things, fight or flight, face it or bury it. I have always been a fan of flight and burying things, not wanting to face emotions but ignore and deny them.

Last year in July I had an early miscarriage and I did not think it affected me as deeply as the others. In reality I think I just buried it and quickly moved on because life was so busy. When I got pregnant in September last year I remember this uneasy feeling all over again and anxiety being triggered. The pregnancy was fine but then the pandemic happened and before I knew it I was an anxious mess and did not even grasp how bad it was. When we got stuck in the hospital, and I experienced a new trauma, it seemed to trigger old ones.

When I came home I realized I could not run away this time. I knew what happened hurt me, and I knew it would leave a scar. I also knew I did not want to deal with it for an extended period of time I wanted to process it and move on. I did not want to give it power over me. I am so thankful for my supportive husband and sister who helped me through the first few months of pain and depression. I am thankful for the midwife who looked at me at my 6 week checkup and told me medication would help me and I was not less of a mother for using it.

I think most of all besides being thankful for the grace of Jesus, I am thankful for the healing because it has allowed me to enjoy this little bundle of joy. So I write this post not to discourage anyone, rather to encourage them. If you are a mother coping with depression, grieving a loss, or dealing with anxiety just know that you are not alone. There is help and hope.