It comes in waves, at times unpredictable, at times as constant as the tide. Darkness, or what others may refer to as depression. Nothing about this post is intended to be from a clinical perspective, but purely a feeling one. Particularly myself, who gets random bouts of depressions still.
When I got accepted Jesus back into my life and began going to church again things in my life slowly transformed. It was fairly easy to change because I had already begun changing when I started losing weight. I gave up drinking alcohol because of the calories initially but then I realized drinking just to stomach being home, or to fall asleep was not healthy either. It was easy to stop swearing, I had a child to talk in front of. It was easy to stop binge eating bad food by just not keeping it in the house.
Some of my other vices took a little bit longer, they took some real work. But I was able to free myself from them by turning to other vices. Positive things like reading the bible, and exercising. The endorphins I receive from a workout or a run can carry me through a tough day most days.
But, I still battle the demon of depression and it makes me angry. The past few days I have just felt sad. There is no logical reason for it, and it was driving me crazy. Do you ever wake up and just feel sad? Like this fog has settled over your day and the sun is gone. I blame part of it on the season of winter, I adore winter and being cold, but the lack of daylight and cold makes it harder to be outside all day especially with babies.
Today I chose to get up, pray, read and seek Him. Honestly, it did not work. I was agitated. I felt like I was broken, how can it be that I just could not will away, pray away this feeling of depression that had crept in over the past few days and settle into my brain. When this happens I feel like a failure, like I cannot call myself a follower of Jesus.
Then I realized, it was a tactic. A weapon my enemy was trying to use against me. I started to think about my previous problems and realized my mind was one of the few places left open to attack. I am not walking into a bar, I do not have old addictions laying around my house. So there is not a lot of temptation in my way on a daily basis. I can easily navigate those things that made me stumble in the past.
But my mind. I cannot lock that away in an impenetrable box. I cannot put a physical barrier around it. The mind is easily accessed by the enemy and lately, he seeks to attack and try to work against all the progress I am making.
So I went for a run, not just any run.
I put my headphones in and turned up my playlist, the one with all of my favorite worship songs. The kind of playlist that gets you singing out loud in public places without realizing it. I keep this kind of playlist saved on my phone for moments of desperation.
My mind may be able to be attacked but I got a reminder today that I can fight back. As I was running the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and one of my favorite scriptures came into my mind.
Depression feels like darkness. It can choke the joy out of your daily living. But today I was reminded that the darkness cannot overcome the Light. The enemy may attack, but he is no match for Jesus. I was reminded that even though I did not feel like my prayers and strategies were working, they were. He was at work trying to coax me outside, trying to help me use the tools I have to climb out of my depression and see the Light.