It is supposed to be the time of year for joy and cheer. But what about when we are not feeling those emotions? What about when inside all you want to do is scream, cry, or hide away? When your world has turned dark, and your heart is broken into a million little pieces. When you just can’t fake it till you make it anymore.

This post is for you.

I see you. I see your hurt, your pain, and I know you wish that it did not hurt so much. I know you want to smile and be happy, but something keeps darkening your soul. I see you in your kitchen, keeping busy so no one sees your tears, no one hears you crying in the shower as you hide in a pit of grief. I see you out working harder than ever, trying to focus on anything else but the pain. I see you showing up for your family day after day, smiling in the pictures, shopping for the gifts, while silently wishing for someone to understand the depth of the darkness.

Grief changes us. We mourn, and mean while, the rest of the world keeps spinning. Life goes on for everyone else, and sometimes when a loss cuts us so deeply, we cannot seem to imagine life ever ‘going on’ anymore. Social media becomes a reminder of how no one else seems to even know what is going on, how alone you really are because your loved one is gone and the pit in your stomach aches for them. If it is your first year without them during the holidays this can be especially hard. When we lose someone there becomes a year of firsts. The first time we yearn to call them and can’t. The first time we find a gift we tucked away for them. The first time we celebrate their birthday without them. And the first time we plan a big Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with an empty seat instead of a warm hug that only they could give. I know, it hurts, let it out.

Grief can engulf us in ways we never imagined. We can go from happy and laughing to angry and mad all in one span of short time. We can be out buying presents for our loved ones and find the perfect gift just for them, and then realize they are gone all over again.

It’s the mother yearning for her child, its the father missing his son, it’s the friend missing her bestie, the wife missing her husband, the children missing their mommy, the sister missing her sister, the mother missing her baby, those big aching holes we just cannot fill. It’s the parents whose arms are still empty, and the chasm of loss only increases with each passing month without their rainbow. The parents praying for the prodigal to come home. They are all around us, and we have to try to see them. Do not miss them. They suffer silently behind closed doors so often, aching with a hurt that they feel no one will understand. Grief changes the heart. No one saw these people more than Jesus Christ.

“Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” John 11:32-37

This picture of Jesus weeping was so profound John chose to make it, its own verse. He highlighted this. I believe it was to show how much empathy Jesus has. He encounters Martha earlier in chapter 11 and he is able to reason with her, she is not weeping but rather he reminds her who he is and she is comforted in that eternal promise. This is important, he met her where she is and ministers to her soul. But Mary; she needed something completely different. He was moved with compassion for her and he simply drops and weeps with her. Jesus knows the end of the story, he knows he will be raising Lazarus in a few moments. That does not stop him from ministering to her, comforting her in her deep grief and loss. John notes for us, Jesus was ‘deeply moved in his spirit and troubled’.

What does this mean for us?

So many things.

For those of us grieving a deep loss this season, we have hope and comfort. We know that our savior is moved by our grief. We know: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4. We have hope. When we walk in relationship with Jesus Christ we can take solace and rest in his arms. We know our weeping may last for a season but ultimately this is not our home. Even if no one else sees us, Jesus does.

For those ministering to someone this season, know that you have the capacity to be a comfort. Simply showing up, meeting someone where they are can make the difference! Jesus does 2 simple things, he reminds Martha of her eternal hope and promise in his salvation and he weeps with Mary. They were vastly different; he knew them both and met them in their hour of grief and comforted them in ways they needed. You may not know how to comfort your hurting person but He does. Ask someone who has been there before how best to show up. Take some time to reflect on their personality and I am sure you will come up with some ideas! So often, people say ‘I just do not know what to say’, and this is valid. You likely do not. But remember sometimes silence is ok too, sometimes just showing up is all that is needed. Jesus gives us 2 very different but equally effective ways to minister to someone grieving. One is in words and the other is in silence.

Grief can be scary, it can cause us to feel paralyzed. It causes us to isolate because the hurt is too hard, or too much. I know. Remember, he wept, and still does right beside you.