Tis the season!

I truly enjoy this time of year, all the festive cheer in the air, and all of the lights. I am a sucker for some lovely Christmas lights! I recognize this time of year can also be difficult when you have a broken family system. It is also difficult for those grieving loss, especially the first round of holidays without a loved one. I will have a post out on that in a few days so stay tuned…

For those of us who struggle with some difficult family members, navigating this time of year can just increase our stress and deplete our joy. But, we do not have to allow this to become the narrative. We can learn how to implement boundaries and maintain our own peace and joy, choosing to celebrate instead of being unhappy.

So what is a boundary? By definition boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within our relationships. Boundaries can be flexible and rigid, and the good news is boundaries work much like this gate:

I like to describe boundaries as the gate, because a gate is able to be opened and closed at our choosing. Just like these pups are being kept safe in the yard, boundaries can help us keep our emotions safe, and maintain our own mental health when we interact with others. For some people as we build trust within a relationship we choose when to open and close the gate. For others, they break that trust and we may have to close the gate for awhile as we heal wounds and develop a way forward. How do we know when we need to evaluate boundaries? I tell my clients its simple: when you are verbally saying yes to a situation or to someone but your body is clearly silently trying to tell you no! When you are uncomfortable. When you find yourself feeling resentful or bitter.

It is important to remember boundaries work more for the person deciding they need them! They are not meant to be a negative outcome. In fact good boundaries can help us to cope with relationships in healthier ways. If I have a family member who I know causes a lot of difficulties during family gatherings, I may choose not to engage in conversations when they are present, not invite them, or not invite them unless it will be a larger gathering with more people to buffer the situation. As people build and maintain trust we can discern when to open and close the gate. If you find you do not understand these concepts, that is ok too, it might be time to find a therapist to help you understand your triggers more, and ways to cope.

Now, I know, many do come in struggling with boundaries and setting them, and breaking them. I often hear quite a bit, that it is not Christian to maintain boundaries, or that we have to be the light. I totally agree! We do have to be the light, and we do have to treat others with dignity and respect. But we also have to treat ourselves this way, and allowing someone to be emotionally manipulative, or hurt us is not what Christ would want us to do.

“Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” Revelation 3:20 ESV It is clear in this scripture that Jesus is not forcing a relationship upon us. He waits at the door and knocks, and would not just push through forcing someone into a relationship. In the same way, we must be respectful of others, if they choose for some reason to not want a relationship we should respect that. And if we choose to not knock on the door of one who has hurt us, then that is ok too.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.’ So they picked up stones to throw at him, but Jesus hid himself and went out of the temple.” John 8:58-59 ESV This picture of Jesus helps us to understand his mindset in this situation. The Jews and arguing with him, and in disbelief of who he is, in fact that want to kill him! Jesus tries to explain simply who he is, and when he realizes they will not listen he does not allow himself to continue engaging and arguing; he flees. He recognizes a boundary needs to be established and simply sets it. Sometimes, the hardest step is not being around people who choose to hurt us emotionally or physically, and setting a hard boundary of not being around them.

“And rising very early in the dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.” Mark 1:35 ESV Right before this Jesus is ministering to great crowds, and healing many who were sick. I imagine he was fatigued, I imagine it was hard work. I know sometimes we do have people who just drain our energy. It is wise to be aware of this and to plan properly when we will be around them. We can use the example Jesus gives us here to navigate those and have good boundaries for ourselves. Planning shorter visits, or stepping away to go outside, or grab a coffee solo during trips home can be helpful. Connecting with the Lord in quiet times, and making space to process emotions and have some peace is a helpful boundary to maintain. Jesus was always going off to have quiet time with his Father, and we would do well to do the same, especially during holiday gatherings and visits.

Finally, in establishing your boundaries remember we are called to show the fruit of the spirit. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” Galatians 22-26 ESV When I am navigating any gatherings, making plans, evaluating relationships; I use this as a guide. When I am unable to be displaying these positive qualities I have to step back and assess the situation. I have to ask myself why this relationship is causing me to not be who God desires me to be, and what boundaries do I need to establish in order to be free to have peace? It is important that we remember, the Lord desires us to display his love, but He does encourage good boundaries in the way he leads.